Since you're gone my empty arms have nothing left to hold

1. I am pretty sure that Darlton wanted the Very Important mythical epic episode.

2. I spent forty minutes laughing like a maniac. I swear I did. It was just so.. so... so not intentionally funny that I couldn't freaking help that.

3. First thing: if that was supposed to be in Roman times, will someone explain Darlton that they should hire some language coach? Because at the beginning I just didn't get what they were saying and I barely got the language, then the Claudia girl starts speaking in Spanish (WHUT???) when in theory it should have been Latin and then they all start talking in English and they call one of the children JACOB and not the Latin version of that?

Seriously?

I mean, I never asked for coherency, but...

4. This said, birth scene #7347893478392 was absolutely not relevant and avoidable. Also, goddamn it, I can't fucking believe that she was pregnant with TWINS and that she didn't SUSPECT THAT FOR A SECOND. Also, jfc, Darlton, you want to have birth scenes, DO IT RIGHT. It's not like I've ever had a kid but they aren't that clean A SECOND AFTER THEY'RE BORN. Also, since her mom hadn't picked a name for used-to-be-Silas... HE DOESN'T GET A NAME. Lady who used to be on the West Wing in that only ep I watched because JBJ was in it, it wasn't like after killing his mother you couldn't choose him a name, you know.

5. Also, I had totally called that the blond kid was bb!Jacob when he showed up in Lighthouse. Eeeee.

6. Also, as soon as I saw the white light coming from the cave which seemed out of Lord Of The Rings on ecstasy, I was like 'oh dear, in the next thirty minutes used-to-be-Silas is totally ending up taking a swim in there and he becomes Smokey for that reason and he can't live the island because somehow he became the essence of said island and if he goes, pffff, bye bye.'

Dear Darlton, if even I start to get where you're going ten minutes in, it means that you're doing it wrong. Whaaatever.

7. Bb!Smokey was cute though. Poor darling, HE JUST WANTED TO GO SEE THE WORLD! And DUH, then he grows up to be Silas Adams. Also Jacob has a tendency to punch him or what?

8. So, the woman who raised them or whatever was the first Jacob-like figure and she had wanted to get killed because she couldn't stand that anymore? Eeeee. That's just the way to obtain it, lady! Also, was it her killing everyone? Duuuuh.

9. Adam & Eve being used-to-be-Silas and her: I called it a second after I saw the black stone. Predictable, so predictable.

10. This, though, brings us to the best thing of this ep. Aka, as zelda_zee pointed out, JACK'S HAIRY CHEST! \o/ I had missed that sight, so much. Actually, I had a total S1-I-fucking-miss-you moment at that scene. Ah, when Jack had the hairy chest. Ah, when I still liked Kate. Ah, when Locke was still awesome. Ah, when Boone was still alive.

Ah, when this show was so good. :/

Yeah, more or less like that.

11. This, anyway, just backs up my theory: Mark Pellegrino is perfectly aware that they gave him the same part on both shows and he plays it likewise so that we can get confused. 'Cause Jacob's mommy issues = Lucifer's daddy issues much? I mean. Srsly.

12. Apart from that: jfc their mom or whatever? What a bitch. I can believe they were screwed up demi-gods.

13. Also, kudos on managing to re-use every possible line we knew by heart. From the heart of the island to they come, they corrupt etc, to you're special and whatever? WE KNOW. It just sounds trite at this point.

And amusing as fuck, but that's another entire thing.

14. Also, this show: Greek tragedies on crack. Seriously, Jacob/used-to-be-Silas have their Oedipus complex much or what? 'Cause duh. Between the incest-y stuff going on between the whole three of them (well, fine, she wasn't strictly their mother but duh) I was thinking 'Greek tragedy on drugs. Greek tragedy on drugs.' And so on. Sorry, I guess that doing that five years in high school had effects.

15. Only other redeeming point apart from Jack's chest: Marksha and Titus Welliver = pretty. Pretty. PRETTY. Hey, at least.

16. So, what did this fantastic, epic, mythic episode reveal us, JUST ONE WEEK AND A HALF BEFORE THE FINALE?

a) Used-to-be-Silas and his mom are Adam & Eve (and that's probably the only sort of historical-in-show-terms question they answered);
b) Used-to-be-Silas built the frozen donkey wheel;
c) Jacob and used-to-be-Silas have mommy issues too, in the lack of a father;
d) The heart of the island IS A BIIIG CHUNK OF LIIIGHT IN A CAVE which is also possibly, er, I dunno, something important for the fate of the world;
e) Jacob and used-to-be-Silas are actually brothers;
f) Used-to-be-Silas is apparently so pissed off because while he's a major character no one even tried christening him. And at that I can sort of get that.

In conclusion: considering that there's one ep and then the finale and then it's done and they still have EVERYTHING ELSE to tie up, a big whole chunk of nothing.

17. At this point, though, we can safely say that: Jacob isn't the devil or God or anything else, just this poor formerly human guy who ended up being immortal because apparently you get to be that if you protect the island, that used-to-be-Silas can't leave the island without consequences because after he took that swim he became the heart of the island (which I figure could work with S1, since I think that when Locke said he had seen said the heart of the island and that it was beautiful or whatever, he was in Smokey's proximities) and took all that beaaautiful light inside him. Ew. Also, we can safely say that his original body is gone for good but that in smoke form he can appear as whoever he wishes, himself included. Why the fuck would he have needed Locke to die in order for his plane to work I have no idea, but logic = not this show's forte. I still don't get the whole killing Jacob/used-to-be-Silas works but whatever. Also Jacob, petty much with thinking that you were second best? Aw.

18. Anyway this shit re Jacob/MIB being brothers at least makes a lick of sense. Except that apparently slashing them meant writing incest and we just learned it, but whatever. It's not like I actually shipped them or anything. *cough* likes Jacob/Richard best *cough* Also, Jacob + used-to-be-Silas' body in the end near the lake = Boone and Shannon in Hearts and Minds much?

19. In conclusion: this whole ep barely made a lick of sense, defied any kind of logic, didn't tell anything especially important even if it should have been the contrary, was so involuntarily amusing that I spent it laughing like a maniac, had some remarkably not-good writing, featured two very pretty people and it was good because I could ogle at them, was generally just not what it should have been and the best thing of the whole shebang was that it featured Jack's hairy chest.

I fear that it isn't what Darlton had planned for it, but it kind of feels like the Ben episode last season. It was supposed to be important stuff and it was mostly funny in the not voluntarily way. Whatever. I'd give it 3 out of ten overall and 9 for the amusement level.

20. And since at this point I could have a number 20... Jesus, I miss the Ben & Widmore show. And I also miss the '48 people on a goddamn island who don't know what the fuck is going on' show. At this point I just hope that the finale manages to fix as much as it can, but eh. I guess we'll just brace ourselves for another bunch of people dying next week and see how it goes?

That said, hopelessfangirl linked to this on Twitter. I think I like it better than the actual episode. Scratch it, I liked it a LOT better than the actual episode.